Page 42 - Cemair Skynews October& November 2015
P. 42

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

FINDING YOUR BEST BOTTOM

APPLE, PEAR, GOBLET, SKITTLE, LOLLIPOP

            Contributing writer René Connelly gives us the low down...

Now I know what you’re thinking. What are you on about                       thongy thingy now is it? When it comes to buying the appropriate
             woman? I thought this was an article about swimwear             swimsuit, the most important weapon a woman has is her brain,
             so why are you banging on about the key ingredients to          plus a good dose of common sense of course. It’s no good lying
             some obscure fusion cooking show? And indeed you                to yourself – or your friends (let’s play nice now girls) about how
 would be excused for the obvious confusion. However, these are              that suit really fits.
 just five of the 12 official names of the female body shape. Oh             	 My top tip is to take a few selfies if you have that stick handy
 yes girls, 12! And believe it or not, those are the ‘palatable’ ones.       or get a friend to snap away. We all know that fitting room mirrors
 Other names such as ‘brick’ and ‘column’ for instance do very               are ruthless (dangerously capable of driving you to alcohol or bar-
 little to inspire confidence. If you think that this alone is a disturbing  biturates), so a pic is just the thing to deliver the message clearly
 thought then think again. With more shape options to consider               and honestly. If you are a ‘pear’, then let that secret dream of
 than flavours to choose from down at your local Italian ice cream           rocking it in a flimsy little two piece go…it’s just holding you back
 parlour, it is no small wonder that shopping for a swimsuit sends           from looking very acceptable in a one piece. If you’re a ‘brick’, you
 a chill down the spine of anyone who is not blessed with Barbie             might consider steering clear of the g-string section and if you’re
 like bone structure and girlish perkiness. And with summer bearing          a ‘column’ then…then…oh come on, even I can’t help you there!
 down on us faster than Cousin Betty towards the buffet table,               My point is, be realistic instead of idealistic and you’ll be fine.
 the question is, how will you be victorious in your search for the          	 And just in case you thought that I had no pearls of wisdom for
 perfect swimsuit?                                                           you boys, you couldn’t be further from the truth. I am certain that I
 	 It’s not all doom and gloom though so don’t reach for those               speak for my entire sex when I say that, contrary to what you have
 slimming tabs just yet my fretful friends. You do have options…             heard from your mates in the men’s locker rooms over the years,
 and I’m not referring to the not too successful, bargain basement           the ‘Speedo’ is not for everyone. In fact, the shameless abuse of
 liposuction that chunky secretary from work had last month (ooph            this skimpy loin cloth in the hands of the ill-informed is downright
 – ouch!). I’m talking about a plethora of different styles - a one          criminal. Let’s leave something to the imagination, shall we chaps?
 piece, a two piece, plain, frilly, monocoloured, multiciloured, etc.        I recommend a stylish pair of Bermuda trunks perhaps. Oh don’t
 etc. We certainly have an up on the fairer sex of the twentieth             get me wrong, there are the precious few, men and women it
 century, who were considerably more limited in their choice of              must be said, that will never know the angst of dashing to get to
 swimsuits (except perhaps for Ursula Andress who could make a               the water for fear of being spotted and ridiculed thanks to that
 hessian bag look spectacular, damn her). This is of course where            ‘extra bit of flesh’ that seems to have a life all its own. But for the
 the aforementioned body shape issue becomes the star of the                 rest of humanity who don’t have unlimited access to airbrushing
 show. It is no good trying to squeeze the voluptuous (slightly larger       techniques…let’s keep it sensible people.
 than average), yet still drop dead gorgeous Brigitte Jones form
 into a Kate (please do us all a favour and eat something) Moss              See you at the beach…

40 October / November 2015 CEMAIR
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